My Story: My Depression

I think it's about time I wrote a post about this. As always, before I begin, I am not doing this for attention. This is who I am and I want to help people and make others aware.

I have been struggling with depression ever since I was 13 years old. I would cry for no reason, I get upset very easily and it's come to a point where it's ruining my relationships. For those of you who are suffering trust me you are not alone and I really wish I didn't have to say that because depression is a horrible thing. It eats you from the inside out, or at least it's eating me.

I hate it.

I honestly hate it so much but who wouldn't? Who likes feeling depressed for majority of the days they live? Sometimes, if I'm lucky, it's just a little cry, but sometimes, it's an agonizing pain in my heart that I can't stop. This is something that I have to live with for the rest of my life. This is something that I have to constantly work on to make sure I don't have an emotional break down every time I'm in a bad situation.

Any kind of emotion hits me like a ton of bricks. When I get angry, I start fuming and shouting at the top of my lungs. When I'm hurt, I starting crying like a part of me has just died. 

I hate it.

I hate how everyone who knows me has to deal with this because I can't control my emotions. I've lost a few friends and even a boyfriend because of it and I almost lost my current one today. All because I suffer from depression and I can't think straight.

Sometimes I wish I could just be alone so no one has to suffer with me. It's so hard to put into words what I feel when I start crying for no reason. I can't explain the physical and emotional pain in my body. There were so many times where I just wanted to end my life because I couldn't contain the pain.

I'm only here because of my family.

I wish I could be that happy, chirpy little girl I used to be when I was a child but I'm not. Sometimes I'll have my good days but most of the time I just have to hide it because I don't want to explain and have my friends/family worry about me.

I hate it.

I hate how it's destroying my life. Not just in my relationships but even in school and just everyday life. I just don't want to face the day but yet here I am, writing this post.

I started seeing the school psychologist about 2 years ago but it's been on and off because I can't handle bringing up all the reasons why I could possibly be depressed. Not really sure if it's helping me or not but I know I need help because I'm not managing on my own.

I want to apologize to anyone close to me that I've ever hurt. Whether it's because I don't want to go out because I just don't feel like it. Or the arguments that I cause because I always explode at everything. I'm sorry I'm like this but there's not much I can do about it. I wish I could snap my fingers and release myself from this never ending nightmare but the reality is there isn't a magical pill that's gonna make it all go away. There are no long term solutions.

To those of you who left, I understand now. 

On another note, depression is a real thing. It's not something that's made up as an excuse for someone who doesn't have their shit together. For those of you who blame people because of their depression or make fun of them well shame on you.

People with depression need a lot of love and patience.

If you know someone with depression please help them in anyway you can. If they're anything like me then they're probably crumbling inside and they need someone to save them. If they act a certain way just try to understand what they might be going through in their head.

My depression has caused me many sleepless nights because my mind just won't shut down. It'll be racing about all the things that happened and all the things that hurt me. I can't switch it off. I get flashes of the moments that felt like a spear was tearing through my chest.

I really hope I get to live to see a happier and kinder society. Please help me make this world a better place to live in.